Chemotherapy: the war within

The parents of the children with cancer in the hospital shared living quarters in the Foundation building. They fell into different categories in my mind. Some refused to accept their child’s diagnosis even when the prognosis was excellent and the doctors’ assured them as much as was possible that there would an excellent chance of recovery after the treatment.


There would be people who would never stop complaining over the slightest inconvenience. It was all too much for them. I quickly grew weary of these people.

I knew I had to accept the reality of Natalia’s diagnosis. I needed to preserve all the energy I had to help my daughter. I felt then as I do now that wallowing in self pity is self- indulgent. I knew that I had to be stronger. Naturally I was drawn to others that shared my outlook, to those parents who were realistic but who never gave up hope. Helena was one such parent. She was the first person who prepared me for the trials that were to come in clear way.

She told me that the initial chemotherapy was deceptive. There would be little immediate effects at first but later it would be terrible and the true battle would begin. She steeled me for the after effects of that chemotherapy. In Polish we have a word for it, Spadki; it is used to describe all of the terrible after effects of chemotherapy as the medications lay ravage to the body to stop the cancer. It is a battle of margins. Ideally chemotherapy is harder on the cancer cells than the normal cells. Survival depends on the difference. Doctors must decide what are the highest dosages of these devastating drugs they can administer without irrevocably harming the patient. I took in all of this information and I thought I would be prepared for the worst. I realize now that no amount of warning could have prepared me for what came next.

Darek came to pick us up in the late afternoon. I felt for a moment a childish happiness at the prospect of returning home. I could return to my home again with Natalia and see my boys. I had worried about them. They had lost their father and now the situation must have been so difficult on them. With me away always it must have seemed that they had lost both their parents. Igor, Natalia’s twin brother was 9 and Lukach all of 12 years.

The arrangement for taking care of Natalia was extremely challenging. We had need of a nurse but the health care system in my town often lacked resources. It was difficult to find a nurse to come to our home.

Nurses were obliged to work in the public clinics during the day so we had to manage on our own till one became available. When a nurse was free to visit it was incumbent on us to provide the transportation for her to and from the clinics. I could not leave Natalia alone in her state so I had to constantly look around to make other arrangements.

There was so much to manage. The second day after the chemotherapy Natalia had a panel of blood work done. I called the doctors in Warsaw constantly to update them on her progress. When I told a doctor there of the initial findings he was alarmed by the numbers. He insisted that we take Natalia to a hospital where she could get the transfusions of blood and thrombocytes that she so badly needed. In town there was not a hospital that would take care of her in the way that she needed.

I had earlier visited a nearby hospital to inquire about the facilities there. At first I thought that it would be an ideal situation. It was very close to my home. I had made my way to the Oncology department. In the office a doctor was working to repair his printing and copying machine. I told him that I had come to see it was possible for my daughter to be allowed admission to his department.

He casually informed me that the scanner of his printer was not working without taking the time to look up at me. It felt a little surreal to see him smoking a cigarette all of his attention focused on his machine. He told me to take Natalia to the next closest hospital which was over 60 km away. It was a long way to go and considering how ill she felt after chemotherapy I worried about the distance. I told him I was afraid she could possibly die in transit to another hospital. He replied that it was a possibility without looking up from his work. I left slamming the door on the way out.

I called one of my friends and told them to call my the children’s grandparents to pick up the boys from school. I told her that I had to leave immediately for Warsaw