My child needs me

In the short time we had spent in the hospital we never spoke to Natalia about cancer. Why were there so many children in the hospital? Why did they cry from the pain? Why were they always throwing up? There were signs all around us and yet it was so difficult to broach the subject. Natalia never asked me and I never discussed the topic. We shared what became a mutual comfortable silence on the subject.


If anything Natalia came to love the hospital. I realized it was because she was with me all day long and had my undivided attention. We could talk about anything and passed the day playing all kinds of board games and cards together. I had never had much time to play these games with Natalia before. Work and domestic chores seemed to take up most of my time but in the hospital there was a new awareness of the precious quality of our time together.

The pain in Natalia’s leg had become much worse than when she had been first diagnosed. Walking became too painful forcing her into a wheelchair. Strong daily pain medications became a necessity. The preliminary tests showed that immediate chemotherapy was the only option. I initially took the news very calmly which surprised me. Natalia was blissfully unaware. The doctors presented all of the possible scenarios as well as the fact that she could lose her leg to amputation.

The doctor in charge of the treatment, Dr Wojceiech was wonderful. Though the treatment would be arduous with no guarantee of success I felt buoyed by his optimism. He had a plan and he was determined and I felt energized by him as I am sure did many of the parents whose children he treated. He radiated assurance like the good father all of us needed, children and parents alike.

When the nurse notified that the chemotherapy was about to begin my pulse raced and I felt suddenly overwhelmed. I remained in this state of anxious arousal throughout the night, even after Natalia had received her first course of chemo. I would wake up in starts, the realization jarring me to consciousness through a fitful night of sleep. I struggled against myself in this way until the idea settled into my consciousness, the thought that gave me strength and settled me down: ” My child needs me”.